An artist I am, of words and ideas
my colors are boundless experiences,
unconscious desires,
potential for meaning and lack of direction.
No, I am nothing like the others.
With a stroke of honesty,
I paint with my thoughts, conversations
and actions, of course.
What do I care about paintings of mountains or canions?
or people who have long since deceased
or triangles and squares and circles
and such
I am an artisan of the twenty first century,
with nonsense, I fight the good fight
my canvas is life, and I'm painting my own mosaic
Greetings,
now,
I haven't always been one to wear his heart on his sleeve,
however I do believe that a few individuals have managed to steal my heart like,
candy from a baby
or motivation from a suicidal teen
or dignity from the bush administration.
etc.
Besides the regulars, who should know who they are. (*if I were of oriental discent, here's where I would put the winking emoticon.*) There are a number of people now deceased that have captivated my heart in a similar fashion.
To Name a Few:
Tupac,
Weezy F. Nietzsche,
Albert Camus,
Kurt Vonegutt,
and of course, Cat Stevens
As you all must be wondering now, "what the fuck is this post about, and what do dead people shikhar get's off to have to do with time being a fool with a banjo" **
and now, for a side note:
[[ ** despite popular belief, I love Nietzsche and everyone else on that list in a different light. Physically, they're quite unattractive and boring. Also, Nietzsche had syphilis. ]]
Back to the meaning of life,
there is one, and only one link between banjo's, time, and the forementioned list. Ready for it:
too bad, other people are...
..
..
Charles Bukowski.
He looked like this:
After picking a few of his books from the excesses of capitalism, (for more hilarity, see "obvious euphemisms)
I have realized he is precisely what was missing from my life.
pre-empt: no, he's not a woman, or a life, or a gym, or religion.
he is, however a god among men. err, at least was. He fell off the map in 1994 just as he published his last book. (they say he suffered from perpetual awesomeness. This continual dose of awesome ultimately culminated in an awesomeness attack, which claimed the life of the greatest half-german half-american bastard to ever write a book.
Without further ado, here's a short story:
Disclaimer:
this story is fucking weired, but nevertheless I like it. My favorite quote is bolded.
back to the goods:
NO WAY TO PARADISE - CHARLES BUKOWSKI
I was sitting in a bar on Western Ave. It was around midnight and I was in my usual
confused state. I mean, you know, nothing works right: the women, the jobs, the no
jobs, the weather, the dogs. Finally you just sit in a kind of stricken state and wait like
you're on the bus stop bench waiting for death.
Well, I was sitting there and here comes this one with long dark hair, a good body,
sad brown eyes. I didn't turn on for her. I ignored her even though she had taken the
stool next to mine when there were a dozen other empty seats. In fact, we were the
only ones in the bar except for the bartender. She ordered a dry wine. Then she asked
me what I was drinking.
"Scotch and water."
"Give him a scotch and water," she told the barkeep.
Well, that was unusual.
She opened her purse, removed a small wire cage and took some little people out
and sat them on the bar. They were all around three inches tall and they were alive and
properly dressed. There were four of them, two men and two women.
"They make these now," she said, "they're very expensive. They cost around $2,000
apiece when I got them. They go for around $2,400 now. I don't know the
manufacturing process but it's probably against the law."
The little people were walking around on the top of the bar. Suddenly one of the
little guys slapped one of the little women across the face.
"You bitch," he said, "I've had it with you!"
"No, George, you can't," she cried, "I love you! I'll kill myself! I've got to have
you!"
"I don't care," said the little guy, and he took out a tiny cigarette and lit it. "I've got a
right to live."
"If you don't want her," said the other little guy, "I'll take her. I love her."
"But I don't want you, Marty. I'm in love with George."
"But he's a bastard, Anna, a real bastard!"
"I know, but I love him anyhow."
The little bastard then walked over and kissed the other little woman.
"I've got a triangle going," said the lady who had bought me the drink. "That's Marty
and George and Anna and Ruthie. George goes down, he goes down good. Marty's
kind of square."
"Isn't it sad to watch all that? Er, what's your name?"
"Dawn. It's a terrible name. But that's what mothers do to their children sometimes."
"I'm Hank. But isn't it sad . . ."
"No, it isn't sad to watch it. I haven't had much luck with my own loves, terrible luck
really . . ."
"We all have terrible luck."
"I suppose. Anyhow, I bought these little people and now I watch them, and it's like
having it and not having any of the problems. But I get awfully hot when they start
making love. That's when it gets difficult."
"Are they sexy?"
"Very, very sexy. My god, it makes me hot!"
"Why don't you make them do it? I mean, right now. We'll watch them together."
"Oh, you can't make them do it. They've got to do it on their own."
"How often do they do it?"
"Oh, they're pretty good. They go four or five times a week."
They were walking around on the bar. "Listen," said Marty, "give me a chance. Just
give me a chance, Anna."
"No," said Anna, "my love belongs to George. There's no other way it can be."
George was kissing Ruthie, feeling her breasts. Ruthie was getting hot.
"Ruthie's getting hot," I told Dawn.
"She is. She really is."
I was getting hot too. I grabbed Dawn and kissed her.
"Listen," she said, "I don't like them to make love in public. I'll take them home and
have them do it."
"But then I can't watch."
"Well, you'll just have to come with me."
"All right," I said, "let's go."
I finished my drink and we walked out together. She carried the little people in the
small wire cage. We got into her car and put the people in between us on the front
seat. I looked at Dawn. She was really young and beautiful. She seemed to have good
insides too. How could she have gone wrong with her men? There were so many ways
those things could miss. The four little people had cost her $8,000. Just that to get
away from relationships and not to get away from relationships.
Her house was near the hills, a pleasant looking place. We got out and walked up to
the door. I held the little people in the cage while Dawn opened the door.
"I heard Randy Newman last week at The Troubador. Isn't he great?" she asked.
"Yes, he is."
We walked into the front room and Dawn took the little people out and placed them
on the coffeetable. Then she walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator and
got out a bottle of wine. She brought in two glasses.
"Pardon me," she said, "but you seem a little bit crazy. What do you do?"
"I'm a writer."
"Are you going to write about this?"
"They'll never believe it, but I'll write it."
"Look," said Dawn, "George has got Ruthie's panties off. He's fingering her. Ice?"
"Yes, he is. No, no ice. Straight's fine."
"I don't know," said Dawn, "it really gets me hot to watch them. Maybe it's because
they're so small. It really heats me up."
"I know what you mean."
"Look, George is going down on her now." '
"He is, isn't he?"
"Look at them!"
"God o mighty!"
I grabbed Dawn. We stood there kissing. As we did her eyes went from mine to
them and then back to mine again.
Little Marty and little Anna were watching too.
"Look," said Marty, "they're going to make it. We might as well make it. Even the
big folks are going to make it. Look at them!"
"Did you hear that?" I asked Dawn. "They said we're going to make it. Is that true?"
"I hope it's true," said Dawn.
I got her over to the couch and worked her dress up around her hips. I kissed her
along the throat. "I love you," I said.
"Do you? Do you?"
"Yes, somehow, yes . . ."
"All right," said little Anna to little Marty, "we might as well do it too, even though I
don't love you."
They embraced in the middle of the coffeetable. I had worked Dawn's panties off.
Dawn groaned. Little Ruthie groaned. Marty closed in on Anna. It was happening
everywhere. I got the idea that everybody in the world was doing it. Then I forgot
about the rest of the world. We somehow walked into the bedroom. Then I got into
Dawn for the long slow ride. . . .
When she came out of the bathroom I was reading a dull dull story in Playboy.
"It was so good," she said.
"My pleasure," I answered.
She got back into bed with me. I put the magazine down.
"Do you think we .can make it together?" she asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, do you think we can make it together for any length of time?"
"I don't know. Things happen. The beginning is always easiest."
Then there was a scream from the front room. "Oh-oh," said Dawn. She leaped up
and ran out of the room. I followed. When I got there she was holding George in her
hands.
"Oh, my god!"
"What happened?"
"Anna did it to him!"
"Did what?"
"She cut off his balls! George is a eunuch!"
"Wow!"
"Get me some toilet paper, quickly! He might bleed to death!"
"That son of a bitch," said little Anna from the coffeetable, "ifI can't have George,
nobody can have him!"
"Now both of you belong to me!" said Marty.
"No, you've got to choose between us," said Anna.
"Which one of us is it?" asked Ruthie.
"I love you both," said Marty.
"He's stopped bleeding," said Dawn. "He's out cold." She wrapped George in a
handkerchief and put him on the mantle.
"I mean," Dawn said to me, "if you don't think we can make it, I don't want to go
into it anymore."
"I think I love you. Dawn."
"Look," she said, "Marty's embracing Ruthie!"
"Are they going to make it?"
"I don't know. They seem excited."
Dawn picked Anna up and put her in the wire cage.
"Let me out of here! I'll kill both of them! Let me out of here!"
George moaned from inside his handkerchief upon the mantle. Marty had Ruthie's
panties off. I pulled Dawn to me. She was beautiful and young and had insides. I could
be in love again. It was possible. We kissed. I fell down inside her eyes. Then I got up
and began running. I knew where I was. A cockroach and an eagle made love. Time
was a fool with a banjo. I kept running. Her long hair fell across my face.
"I'll kill everybody!" screamed little Anna. She rattled about in her wire cage at 3
a.m. in the morning.
For any of you who cared enough to read through that, the rest of the book is on ScribD.
"South of No North - A Collection of Short Stories by Charles Bukowski"
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6391043/Charles-Bukowski-South-of-No-North
So. I have a tendency to get low grades on english papers for some reason. Usually because I tend not to answer the question and instead focus on psychological philosophical shit I'd rather think about / found more important. Hover this time, I have been blessed to have a topic CENTERED around philosophy as I got to analys the Oedipus Complex in relation to shakespeare's Hamlet.
Desire and the Oedipus Complex in Shakespeare’s Hamlet
Shakespeare’s Hamlet is not only one of the greatest plays of the Elizabethan era, but also a tragic story of repressed desire turned to inner ressentiment which serves as a classic example of Freud’s theory of the Oedipus Complex. As the story of hamlet unfurls, we see the development of a tragic hero shadowed by the Oedipus complex. In order to better qualify this assertion, we must first understand what exactly is meant by Freud’s Oedipus Complex and secondly analyze and apply this fundamental theory to the chronological development of Hamlet as a tragic hero.
Freud’s theory of the Oedipus complex argues that a young child has a strong sexual attraction towards his mother and competes with his father for her sexual attention. The Oedipus Complex as applied to hamlet follows a perversion of this rivalry: often the child feels overwhelmed by the overpowering masculinity of his father and he ceases to compete with him realizing he’s always second in line. With no other choice, the child is forced to repress his sexual desire which signaling the development a super-ego to counter act the ego in the actualization of perverted sexual desire. In applying this theory to Shakespeare’s tragic hero, Hamlet – one may begin to wonder why Freud didn’t title his theory the ‘hamlet complex’ as it presents a much more realistic account of his theory: focusing on the effects of repressed desire has on Hamlets ability to maintain his composition as a rational actor.
As the story opens, we find that even prior to learning about his uncles dastardly involvement in his fathers death – Hamlet is disgusted and deeply troubled by his mother’s decision to take his hand in marriage. Meanwhile, his uncle works tirelessly to take his departed fathers place as a fatherly figure of nobility in Hamlets life. In fact, seeing Hamlet upset sparks Claudius to urge Hamlet to “stay near” as he is “next in line for the throne” and doesn’t want anything bad to happen to the future king of Denmark. The irony in this is that Claudius accomplishes the opposite of what he seeks as he places his-self in front of Hamlet in line for the throne. In a Freudian sense, the throne is symbolic of a sense of closeness to the queen, (not so) coincidentally his mother. This marks the exposition of Hamlet’s Oedipus complex as his fathers death is supposed to mark his ascendance to his father’s position as his mothers lover and protector, however since Claudius’ sneakily takes his father’s hamlet feels cheated and grows envious of his mother’s new man. As the act closes, we see Hamlet overcome with resentment as he contemplates suicide he feels hapless and vulnerable in sexually repressed state.
Psychoanalyst Jaques Lacan makes an interesting argument for the Oedipus complex as applied to Shakespeare’s hamlet he argues that “The desire, of his mother, is essentially manifested in …”[the] confront[ation] on one hand with an eminent, idealized, exalted object – his father – and on the other with the degraded, despicable object Claudius, the criminal and adulterous brother, [which] Hamlet does not choose.” Hamlets overwhelming love for his mother and hatred of Claudius causes Hamlet to “waver in his abjuration of his mother.” and defuse all responsibility in the incestuous act upon Claudius, as the primal villain in Hamlets unconscious ego. (Lacan 3) Lacan further notes that Hamlet’s disposition against Claudius is due to the fact that “his mother does not choose [Claudius] …[she is instead attracted to him]because of [an] instinct[ual] voracity… The sacrosanct genital objects … appear to her as an…objet d’une jouissancce… in what is truly the direct satisfaction of her need, and nothing else,” Further rationalizing her actions from Hamlet’s perspective. (3-4)
A major turning point for Hamlet is as he learns the “truth” about his father’s death as revealed by his father’s ghastly figure. As act I scene IV unfurls, the ghost of hamlet reveals his mysterious death was in fact a homicide committed by none other than Claudius, who poisoned him in is sleep. He then urges hamlet to avenge his death by taking revenge on his dastardly brother, Claudius –but also explains that he must not hurt his mother. From a psychoanalytical standpoint, the ghost of hamlets father represents his Ego: which leads him to rationalize hurting Claudius and not his mother, a predictable condition of his psychological precondition.
What is often ignored by many theories of Hamlet’s Oedipus complex is that although his actions are primarily driven by his repressed desire for his mother, his father also plays an important role in the development of the fantasy. David Kastan argues that Hamlet definitely feels a type of labinal attachment to his father; warranting that “Hamlet cannot name himself without simultaneously naming his father… his fathers name [becomes] “bound to [him]” and finally [“bound to revenge”] … [and thus hamlet] is bound to… his fathers cause” (Kastan 1) As a result, Hamlet’s identity becomes solely created by his desire for revenge against his father’s killer and his loyalty to his mother, “he would be the only the son, sworn to remember and revenge his father.” (Kastan 1) This overwhelming love for his mother and vengeful longing for revenge for his father born out of his ressentiment creates the perfect ethical cause for the tragic hero, Hamlet – prince, and avenger, of Denmark.
The establishment of Hamlets ethical role is apparent as he cries “Yea, from the table of my memory I’ll wipe away all trivial…records… [so] that youth…be copied there, And thy commandment all alone shall live Within the book and volume of my brain, Unmixed with baser matter.“ (99-104) This is precisely what Lacan would call the perversion of the phantasmal order in the creation of the fantasy. He argues that “the fantasy… [is] paradoxical… [On] one hone hand the end term is desire, and on the other hand… it’s…located in the conscious” (Lacan 5) This fundamental theory helps to explain Hamlet’s continual struggle with his super-ego –. Hamlet’s outcry signals his return to his childhood obligations, the inversion of the super-ego is complete as Hamlet finds a new ethical cause by which to live his life. even after his commitment to a new ethical cause Shakespeare’s comparison to the bible seems to signal that like Christ, Hamlet too becomes a martyr for his cause. However, The difference between hamlet and Christ is that Hamlet lives by no moral order: he feels justified in doing anything and everything to satisfy his inner ego. Lacan further notes that “insofar as the fantasy marks every human passion… perverse… it appears in a sufficiently paradoxical form to… have motivated the rejection of the phantasmic dimension as being on the order of the absurd.” (Lacan 5) The absurdity that ensues hamlet’s perversion of moral and biblical order is the very absurdity that characterizes the original fantasy of unity with his mother and vengeance for his father who he now aware of his instinctual interconnectivity to. No longer living by the book of piety and weakness that had entrenched his identity– He returns to his most innate primal instinct: love for his mother, and vengeance for his father.
Learning the truth has a magnanimous affect on his mental stability, as it exposes the inherent disjunction between his desire to maintain his biblical sanctity as the prince of Denmark and his desire to avenge his father’s death – causing hamlet to violently snaps back and forth between a dimension of rationality and irrationally. The forces that were once repressed by his super-ego discharge in an irrational manner as his ressentiment turns outwards and he begins to lash out at everyone he loves, even raising his voice at his beloved mother. Then suddenly he loses all ability to cope with the world and descends into a deep depression in which everything seems meaningless, he begins to question his own ontological being: “to be or not to be… that is the question. .” (54-55) His subjectivity in question, Hamlet falls back upon his logic to create an ethical justification for violence against his stepfather; his plan: to develop a litmus test to determine Claudius’ Guilt.
As he becomes sure of Claudius’ guilt, many critics of my position argue that hamlet , being so desperate to kill Claudius, should have taken any opportunity to do it. Since Hamlet does indeed pass off an opportunity to kill Claudius in prayer, critics believe the theory of a new Hamlet born out of ressentiment to be falsified. However what is ignored is that due to the very the nature of revenge, which Kastan argues “… is a desperate mode of imitation…[in which] The revenger is…allowed only to re-act to –and re re-enact – the original crime, ” (3) the inner ressentiment that now consumes Hamlet presents a more logical explanation of his decision to wait. That is, his delay can only be understood as a last grapple between the ego and the super-ego, a battle between the pious rational actor within hamlet and his overwhelming desire to take revenge on Claudius. Shakespeare creates the perfect setting to express the inner struggle Hamlet undergoes by alludes to the perversion of the moral fantasy as he presented with the opportunity of murdering Claudius in prayer, but refuses to take it. Kaston concludes that his refusal is an indication of “[a] resistance to accept his imitative relation… to his father who urges him to revenge” further revealing an underlying complexity of Hamlet’s Oedipus Complex. (Kastan 3)
Hamlet’s final hour is perhaps most revealing as what remains throughout most of the play an inner conflict is given a means to physically discharge, his super-ego is overcome by his ego and his innate desire as his life is pitted against that of Leartes. Interestingly enough, Hamlet enters the competition on the side of his enemy, and has absolutely nothing to gain from it besides a title of nobility and honor. However what Hamlet remains blind to is that he is entering into “the most serious of games… a game [in which] he will lose his life in spite of himself.” (Lacan 20) The spirit of the Martyr is clearly present as the conditions of the tournament express “the very nature of the fantasy” as Leartes proves to be his mirror double. (Lacan 20) Lacan warrants that “the basis of aggressivity… [is situated] in the imaginary register… the one you admire most… [is] the one you have to kill.” (Lacan 21) Furthermore, the fact that Hamlet’s inner desire to murder Claudius does not surface until he learns about the death of his mother further at the hands of Claudius and of his secret ploy to poison Hamlet which Leartes regrettably informs him of further reveals that his thirst for vengeance is born out of the irrationality that subsumes him in the actualization of his Oedipal desires. Hamlet proves to be a true martyr for his perverted phantasmal order as with his final breaths, he avenges his father and satisfies his desire for closeness with his mother – even in death. His revenge upon his father presents a bitter-sweet irony that no Shakespearian tragic hero would be complete without, as he impales Claudius with the very double-edged sword that killed Leartes, and now ushers in his death, on the very throne on which his father once sat and force-feeds him the very poisoned wine responsible for his mothers downfall. In his death, Shakespeare’s tragic fantasy is complete, as Hamlet satisfies his call to ethical violence and proves to be true a martyr for his cause.
~Shikhar
Immortal Combat.
What a title for a semi-profane return to the internet scene. Not to say I had followers or even chronic readers - fuck, I didn't even have a direction -- I just feel its important to note that I haven't written here in fucking ages! Only adding to the irony is that I've written of similar epiphanies quite often in the past few months. Fuck it. Life remains an eternal return of the same - what else is new??
So shit. Let's not play games with excuses. The real reason I haven't been writing here is a little blury to me - but I have a few theories as to why not.
1. Business.
2. Laziness.
3. Self-Conceousness.
4. High Expectations.
5. Debate.
6. Utter Shit. (pronounced: Other -- for more: see raving idiot, Emanuel Levinas)
Now, on to more interesting news...
I think I've come to yet another profound conclusion about life. Although I am conflicted on whether or not whether it's a conclusion or simply another beginning. A new marker in the journey to self-appreciative unconditional affirmation of who I are. (I know, I keep it fresh like Whole Foods.) This conclusion, however simple, I know, is a difficult perspective to uphold, a truth only for those brave enough to forge their own way through nothingness. I have yet to meet a person so brave, and I must add that I in fact do not see such a figure in my own shadow. Enough with the buildup, most of you have probably heard me say this sometime or the other: "life is a swirl of eternal meaninglessness."
ok, lets stop. Before you egg my house or send me nasty emails telling me "My life has meaning; ya douche!! [insert trail of profanities]" let me clarify what it is I am attempting to so publicly declare on this here internets. (and yes, you're welcome to use that as an email template) I began pondering the idea a few months back, but I never really understood how cold we were in the shaddow of our befallen god until pretty recently... Have you ever filled up a condom with water due to a lack of water baloons? .... becuase I haven't. But I think that if such a condom were to break before my eyes, I would be a witness to perhaps the greatest metaphor for a Nietzschean Big Bang (Pun Intended); That is, a giant cataclysmic accident that dispersed the forces across the great cosmos in an endless swirling game.
Though the joker often poses "why so serious?" I have yet to see a plausable victim take his questions seriously. Heath ledger was a phenominal actor, and I think that this kind of dismissive discern is precisely what drove him crazy! Just because the fucker had a clown mask on isn't a reason to not take him seriously. I Tried ; Thought; then Failed. Until I realized... maybe there was no good answer. Ask your self, "Why So Serious?!?" Who ever knew that a played out batman line could represent something so profoundly Nietzschean. Why are we so serious? :: About school, about work, about church, about friends, about our beliefs?! We pious fools have bowed before false gods and now do believe that there is a certain way we "ought to be." Has the madmans message not yet reached us? Why do we still choose to stand in the shaddow of our god? I'll tell you. Although god may be dead, and our hands - tainted with blood - We still embody the weakness that we so fundamentally clutched on to for so long. The lies that we call truths promise a new world - the greater kingdom of heaven where there was only good, and the bad stayed away. Well I've got a question for you world, What if it isn't that simple... What if there are no white and black? What if the only color on gods palet is toumbstone grey? Should we still chose to live our lives in seriousness and piety to the weaknesses we have dubbed strengths? I personally think not, but it's up to you to decide your position on that one.
"Why?" - Not only a good band, but also a tricky question. Being a curious goerge fan, I posed this question as often as possible -- although i was never really satisfied with the answer. Why was the sky blue? because god made air particles. Why are they blue? because air particles reflect light. No matter where I looked, the heavens or the bare hands of human innovation. I consistantly discovered "how" but never "why" things were the way they were. Until one night, in the very room I sit in, it hit me like a train. What did? Silence. The same silence I had felt when I asked why the sky was the way it was, or why people die, or why every good thing has to end, or why I was so chubby. Although a familiar feeling had returned, it brought with it a revealing even heidegger would pay to see.
No. Not pics of Jessica Alba nude you fucking pervs -- the moment revealed that maybe there was no answer to the question "why?" that maybe the me, you, the world and it's moon are all just a small fraction of a glorious accident who's reverbrations we surf and call "experience." Sure it's stupid, and you're right - i can't prove it. But something doesn't have to be falsifyable to be a "truth" for absolute truth was burried with god, it is only our fear which props it up today. I'm not saying we shouldn't have truths, just that we should be brave enough to forge our own. That always makes for the most interesting people.
So here we are. Meaningless, Unequal, Fragmented and Alone. But that doesn't mean it's the end of the road. Do the highest mountains cower in fear, or stand tall in all of their glory? Do the tallest trees shrink to be like their comrades, or do their comrads grow - to some day be even half their height? My point is, that just because meaning isn't legislated in our lives doesn't mean that we can never lead meaningful lives. I think it's better put as tabula rasa, a clean slate on which you must mold yourself out of nothingness.
Go ahead, I dare you.
If everything was permitted, what will you do?
Are you strong enough to part the sea of meaninglessness?
fuck.
Who am I?
A simple as the question may seem, I have yet to see an effective way of answering such a question. Is identity really so simple as such that it can be broken down into components? I feel that formal education has always pushed us to look outwards for answers, by rationalizing and mapping our material world and attempting to find answers to all questions through the process of scientific inquiry. As I reflect on all that I've learned in the past 11 years of school, I can't help but to question what the practical uses of what I've learned are. Honestly, when posed with a question so fundamental as that of identity, what good is "the process of elimination", what good are the hundreds of math formulas we've memorized, what good is my biological understanding of the the way my body works. I feel that formal education has always preached us to look outwards for answers to all of our questions, seldom have we ever looked inwards. I wish not to blame school for my inability to answer the question of ontology, but rather to trivialize the modern conception of "knowledge." To revisit the question, I believe that such a question asks not for an 'answer' in the traditional sense of the term, but rather a methodology by which we can begin to uncover our ontology.
The question to be asked then is not "who am I?", but rather the more geniological, "how did I become who I am." This is not to imply that Identity is formulaic, for that could not be farther from "the truth". Honestly, to define our being as the sum of the biological componants which construct it would be to deny our uniqueness, and thus deny our spiritual existence. I, for one, contend that we are the sum of our experiences. Who I am is shaped by nothing more than what I've experienced, the things that I've done, the people I have known the places I have seen, the things I have learned and the relationships I have had.
If we are to accept such a theory of our ontology, then what does it mean to feel resent? What does it mean to reflect on our experiences and wish to have never willed. To wish away our experiences because of the pain that memory of such an incedent induces would be to deny our ontology, or in Nietzsche's words - to deny life. For if life is nothing more than a collection of our experiences, if you and I are both defined by our relationships with others and with fate, then when we resent a particular moment in our lives, and resent the pain that that experience has caused do we not resent life itself? In wishing away experience, do we not wish away the life we have and will a life absent of that experience?
The past few weeks has tought me that decisions are decisions. And for better or for worse, we are defined by the decisions we make. Weather it be as intricate as a lifestyle, or as simple as what we choose to wear every morning - the conceous decisions that we make on a daily basis define our lives and I believe that instead of wishing to "go back in time" and alter the decisions we've made, we must accept those decisions for what they were, and in doing so accept their ramifications.
That's all I've got for today.
-Shikhar
Mood: 'Voxtrot - Sway'
So it has been quite some time, to say the least, from my last post - and I must say, much has changed.
I just got back from austin, and I met a lot of interesting people there, but lets save that story for another time. (sorry?)
I would rather, like to take this post to discuss a book i've recently taken on, -Thus Spake Zarathustra. Now granted, I've not yet read very far into the novel, so some of my analysis may not be entirely accurate - but enough of the disclaimer, let's delve into the mind of Fredrich Wielham Nietzsche.
Upon desending from the mountains after years of lonely thought, Zarathustra finds at the bottom of the mountain, quite ironically, a Saint. I feel that the purpose of this parable is to make a distinction between the outlook of Zarathustra and the outlook of modern religion. The saint comments on the impurity and insanctity of man, claiming he is too imperfect for he. The saint proclaims to love god for he is all that is pure. After a brief conversation, Zarathustra embarks to the city, but speaks to his heart of the peculiarity of the saint. "had he not yet heard of it?" Zarathustra ponders, for "god is dead."
In saying this, I believe Nietzsche seeks to seperate his thought from religious thinking. Although, Thus Spake Zarathustra does follow the poetic form of much religious discourse, Nietzsche does this not because he seeks to associate his concept of Ubermanch with the idea of god, but he feels that challenging truth through means of religious parables is a much more effective means of challenging modern religious thought.
The prolog of Zarathustra is written as a story, but I feel that Nietzsche only seeks to convey with it one point - that Zarathustra seeks 'not sheep, but companions'. In saying this, Nietzsche makes it very clear that he who reads the discourses of Zarathustra should be willing to look into the Abyss and not 'follow' but question.
The first of the discourses of Zarathustra speaks of speaks of the three Metamorphoses of man, Spirit to Camel, Camel to Lion, and Lion to (at least) a Child.
Strange as it sounds, these 'metamorphoses' outline what Nietzsche feels is man's quest towards Ubermanch (or Superman - absent of marvel's bastardizing). The metamorphoses from Spirite to Camel is a result of a moral outline designated by a higher power- it outlines the idea of 'load bearing' as a camel does, and speaks of the 'heaviest load to carry'. Zarathustra describes the idea of a moral burden as being paradoxial. The next transofrmation is of a Camel, to a Lion. The lion has the ability to break free of imposed burdens. The lion speaks in the face of the 'dragon' "I will" in response to "Thou Shall". The purpose of the lion is to break free from imposed values, and imposed burdens and 'say nay' to such impositions. The third metamorphesus is from the Lion to (at least) a Child. For the brith of the child ushers the birth of innocence, and thus allows one to forget about the epic of the dragon, the lion, and the camel.
That's as far as I've gotten, so I'm not quite sure if that made sense - The book is very interesting so far, although quite difficult to understand.
Please tell me if you have an alternate analysis of Nietzsche's writing, any criticism would be appreciated.
-sorry for leaving you for so long, blog.
-Shikhar.
So here's what I was trying to flow on the way to UIL =P
Lose yourself, Debate edition =P
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
--
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.
There’s blood on the flows already, oh its graty
He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To spread fast, but he keeps on forgetting
What he wrote down the judges ask for a road map now
He opens his mouth but the words wont come out
He’s choking, how the other teams’ hopen now
Prep times run out, times up over, BLOAh!
Snap back to reality, oh there goes 1NC
Oh there goes 2NC, he choked.
Hes so mad, but he wont give up that
Is he knows
He wont have it he knows his whole back circuits ropes
It don’t matter he’s on dope
He knows that, but he’s slow
He’s so mad that he knows
When he goes back to his school table that’s when its
Back to debate lab again yo
This whole debate shit
He better go capture this moment and hope it don’t pass him
You better lose yourself in the speeches, the moments
You own them, you better never drop the arg
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to flow
This opertunity comes once in a lifetime yo.
Okay, so lets take a step in the opposite direction of my recent posts, no philosophy this time guys... not even in rounds, atleast not at UIL anyways.
So lets talk about Eisenhower first, since we do tend to progress chronologically.
Singh/Mistry went 3-0 in prelims
We "downed" to dules' number 6 team in Ocs. (apparently 'F' sounds bad)
-We did better than we expected to do considering that Raj had gotten braces the day before, but its kind of a bummer to know that you could be double qualled as of now (not to mention that Raj would have qualled at his first CX and LD tournaments :D )
--Congradulations on the quall though Michelle / Andi see you at state!
-FX was a bummer, I got 3rd in semis *tear*
---ofcourse this just added to our "3rd" place ballot pile xD
SOMEHOW *wink wink mr. J* Hightower pulled 1st place sweeps out of nowhere.
***Results***
Ha Nguyen - 1st place impromptu, 4th DX, 1st LD
Asif Ansari- 5th DX, CX quarterfinalist
Singh/Mistry- CX Octafinalist
Span - FX finalist
A lot of you guys broke, tagged... but not speifically mentioned - if you want it then just ask.
***************************************************************************
UIL DISTRICTS
***************************************************************************
Considering we weren't originally on the UIL team, we did pretty damn good.
We went 3-0 day one, and beat Dulles 'b' in qrtrs only to concede to Asif/Nick so that they could go to state. Honestly, I don't know what happened in that round vs. dulles 'A' - I get the feeling that if i had taken it more seriously, we had a shot. And at this point, I just feel terrible farrukh.
I'm incredibly sorry for letting you down man.
Here are the results.
Asift Ansari - Top speaker
Ansari/Brown - 2nd place CX! **GOING TO STATE!**
Milan Raj - 3rd speaker
Raj/Hemani - 1st place CX! **GOING TO STATE!**
Singh/Virani - 4th place CX! - Second Alternate.
Good job guys, Hightower takes 1st place overall after 7 fucking years =D
**Notes**
1.) Kevin bites thighs
2.) I can never look at the travis coach the same way again
3.) Raj can't talk.
4.) Asif owes me dinner
5.) Raj better be a damn good partner next year.
theres probibly more, but i'm fucking tired.
Goodnight
-Shikhar.
The quest of universality began with communication. The first task, was developing universal meaning. This simply meant recognizing that "ug" would mean "LOOK! There's a dinosaur behind you!" in every instance of its use. May I add that although we havn't reached this goal yet, our "friends" in the white house are working very hard to impose... i mean transcend... our beliefs on foreign nations. (Thank you Mr. Bush for your policies of Imperialism.) This quest for the universality at its most primal level gave birth to a new ambition. The crusade for universal applicability which yealded aphorisms. This, not unlike the middle century crusades, shaped society without actually being too successful. This thought ushers in the thought of the day; Are the aphorisms we use to justify our daily being truly universal? --with a cool tongue, I must respond in negation.
Take for example the aphorism "Kill 2 birds with one stone". As an alien to our culture, seeing children use such violent discourse, would lead one to propose that our society is indeed inherently violent. This discussion however stands on a later date. This aphorism of killing 2 birds with one stone speaks utility. Simply saying that it would be beneficial to accomplish two things with the same action, but is this truly universal? Is it applicable in EVERY instance of life?
I for one will argue not, for in some instances of life, utility isn't the only factor to be observed.
There are countless examples which can be used in negation, but I won't waste your time with that. This question also ushers in the question of why men (and womyn) look to Maxims and Aphorisms for solutions in life? Why is it that we believe that these phrases that have proven themselves to not be universal hold such importance in today's society? I for one conjecture that it is the last sliver of philosophical thought that remains valued in our society.
The era of philosophical thought has ended, our existence is no longer appreciated by the masses. Though scarce, the flame that burned so passionately in the hearts of Nietzsche and Socrates contenues to thrive in the hearts of those who no longer look to the skies for direction.
-Shikhar.
So breaks been pretty good, and 2006 is coming to an end... despite all that i've done this year (the good and the bad) I'm thankful to all of you for making it memorable. Lets take a few miniutes to address a few things (what some refer to as "inconsistencies").
+: The whole Nihilist spew ... :+
-made a big decision recently - I'm not a nihilist (atleast not yet) - but thats not to say that i will or am destined to be one. I really enjoy reading nietzsche, not because he's a pessimist and i'm some sort of bastard that enjoys pain, but because his philosophy makes sense to me. It clicks. (although i do ponder the occasional "wtf" while reading Human, all too human.) Infact I read a really interesting passage today that entailed that we can only become "free spirits" if we can "climb the rungs of the moral ladder" to see metaphysics for what it is. And only with contempt can we rise to break down the paradigm of society. (values, religion etc...) but we'll save that for a later post (i'm sure i have no idea what i'm talking about)
+: Debate :+
-Things are going to stay the same, I'm not going to quit (not now at least). Although i must say i'm not very content with the choice of tournaments we're going too. A medium of communication is better than none. (++ assuming J doesn't go COMPLETELY nuts - I've still got state).
+: Friends :+
-As much as I tell you how much I hate you, I love you guys. Thanks for all the comments on the facebook blog and helping me see =) (much appreciated) I hope that 2007 will bring just as many awesome friends and just as awesome memories. =) =)
How about we embarrace a few of you fuckers? =P (No spec. order)
Steph (eatus-nothingus) - You're a total bad-ass. Thanks for listening to me when I'm sad, for abandoning your friends for me @ lunch =P, and overall being a great friend. We're going to have a blast @ Debate camp this summer, wont we?
Chacko (cuttus-wristus) - Alright you Emo bastard, i decided to appease you by putting you in here (just so you wont cut yourself over ME anymore) Looking forward to another whole semester of Algebra II with your ass. Remember the good times, at bay city GImprov for ever =) =) =)
Mack (fattus-maximus) - oh man, where do i even start? Thanks for beating me up every morn... oh wait. Thanks for pushing me arou... oh wait. OH!! I know, thanks for 6th in group impro... oh wait (That was chacko's fault). But what I really want to thank you for... is your warmups =) =) (i really do enjoy fucking over black people..)
Raj (First name ass, last name hole) - yeah, i said it. No really, you're an awesome guy (when you want to be). We've got man-love. Thanks for listening to my problems and going on a diet with me. I'll make sure we make YOUR "christmas wish" come true.
Rishab (original_scammer) - Yeah we've done stupid shit together... so what? lol - thanks for covering my ass when mondo wouldn't stfu. You're awesome.
Ha (dorkus maximus)- You're an angel, yes you are. Thank you for being there at like 1 in the morning when I needed someone to talk to. Youuu are amazing ha, and its hard to believe that you will be gone next year... almost.. sad =(.
Asif (terrorist.) - Asif, you're a badass. I won't forget your beard, oh! and ofcourse all of the CX you tought me fish year. thank youu. You took a lot of time out of your junior year to teach us, and I hope one day to prove to you that your efforts weren't in vain. --You're great asif.
Lara (m-azing) - You've taught me so much, I cant even begin to tell you. Thank you Lara, you taught me debate, life, philosophy and to believe in the power of language. (and much more ;-)) Thank you for being there for me when i need to talk... I'm going to miss you so much =(
Ofcourse these are only the people that first popped into my head... if you want a spew of your own, aim/call/comment.
+: Love, Like, Significance? :+
-So a few of you may know, I really like someone. Maybe Christmas was a bust guys, but I think in a sense talking to her is my "divine" gift (if i'm even allowed to use that word). The only thing thats been killing me lately is the distance situation. For all of you who have ever had a significant other that lived more than 45 minutes away: I sympathize, because its balls when you're sad. Regardless, I think this last month of 06 has been pretty good -- Thank you =)
When you love someone, I mean really love someone, there come with this love a few responsibilities. Theres the responsibility of welfare, to make sure you're significant other is ok at the end of the day, the responsibility of comfort (which of course lies in being able to be as comfortable as a panda around him/her) and finally, the responsibility of externalization(this probibly should have been first, but its more dramatic to put the one you're having problems with at the end).
Regardless of how much you tell them you love them, seeing the inevitably limited nature of language, we find that words are unable to transcend your feelings. But what does one do when words are the only thing you have... I suppose describing your feelings is sufficient? This i can do.
You're the reason I woke up. I run home because I want to talk to you, but when we talk on the way home... I dread seeing my driveway. I spell your name with skittles. I manage to bore my friends talking about you, but Its exhilarating to me. I look at my phone, just for the screen saver (thats you!). I dream about you. I eagerly wait for your replies. I look at my phone in the middle of the night, just to see if you called. You make me feel valued. You make me feel significant. I day dream about you. I miss you. I can't get you out of my mind, and I don't even want to try anymore. Your happyness is a personal struggle. (for me).
Theres so much more, but i'll add later guys. Sometimes you just don't feel like writing through tears.
-Shikhar
"God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we, murderers of all murderers, console ourselves? That which was the holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet possessed has bled to death under our knives. Who will wipe this blood off us? With what water could we purify ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we not ourselves become gods simply to be worthy of it?"
— Nietzsche, The Gay Science
You know what world? I've been thinking and Nietzsche couldn't have been more correct when he said "god is dead". However, I do not agree to the fact that we have killed god. God has killed us. He has killed the inspiration of a 15 year old child, he has killed the hope in the hearts of millions he has killed so many around the world. "come to the light, come to my arms" he says. Thats bullshit, thats just a fucking excuse to take our loved ones and cause excessive pain. I stand here, living a life that I can't say i'm to fond of, because every time anything good ever happens to me, its taken away. The world is a melancholy place, crowded with the dark discomfort of knowing whatever you have today may be gone tomorrow. Sometimes this is why I cry... but other times its beucase of all the things that i'll never get to experience, all the things I wont ever have.
I won't ever have the opertunity to debate at the TOC; not to say that I would ever qualify for it concidering that i'm a terrible debater, "hightower F" as some proclaim. Why? because my fucking school is too busy buying football equipment, spending so much money on basketball shoes and equipment that it refuses to support anything remotely intellectualy stimulating. I've embraced you're thinking Lara, this intellectual discussion we want to have after a debate round won't ever happen. Ever. Not as long as the best tournament we go to all year is Katy Taylor and a fucking game is more important than something thats remotly academically stimulating.
Moreover, today has opened my eyes to Nihilism. Maybe every action we take realy is setting us up for a bigger fall? I for one am tired of this temporary pleasures, temporary happyness, temporary peace. I'm tired of working and working for things only to have them snached from me. I'm tired of loving so much, only to be slapped by reality. I'm tired of having everything I love taken away from me... so maybe I shouldn't persue it in the first place? Wouldn't that be smart? Then again, I'm incapable of rationality. Catch a fucking hint, our actions mean nothing.
I'm out. maybe i'll add more later..
oh, and thanks again world.
-Shikhar
3rd time...
Ive tried writing something about this 3 times now, and found that mrs. wilson couldn't have been more correct when she told us our writing is terribly disorganized.
Aparently, we're supposed to develop a purpose for writing, and since there's no actual prompt or question today, i take it as incumbant upon myeslf to establish why i'm writing this post. To complain; you're welcome to call me a nagging bitch; thats you're perrogative.
God is an entity with a bad sense of humor,
Thus far, i've established myself to be quite religiously apathetic. Although I aknowlege an existance in a higher power, i'm not quite sure what to think of it yet. Today i've stepped closer to understanding though for i've stumbled upon the conclusion that god has a terrible sense of humor. I've found that i'm destined to a life of solitude. Now this may not include emotional solitude, for thanks to a special someone, my need for being liked/loved is quite satisfied. *thank you*. But physicaly, I'm destined to solitude. Why you ask? becuase god sees to it it that everyone that reciprocates any form love, or rather, feelings beyond friendship reamains physically intangible. Har d fucking har har... I don't think its funny for everything that I want at this moment right now, i'll never have. This is the sad truth. Realities a bitch.
As for school, fuck it.
I'm tired of fucking stress..
Maybe we'll talk later blog,
Goodluck && Goodnight.
-Shikhar
So today, I realise that I am utterly useless.
Ever have one of those days? when you sit down to do something and find that you simply can't. Nomatter how hard you try, your efforts will allways be useless. Today was one of those days. I do not wish to go into details, but I will say this.
I'm tired of me.
I'm tired of the stupid shit I do
I'm tired of not being able to understand.
I'm tired of everyone expecting so much out of me
because guys, i'm not special.
I'm not what you want me to be mom, dad.
I'm not what you think I am.
You people look at me daily, and fill me with this bullshit
stop. for the love of god, stop.
In other news, I havn't written here in a while and I allmost feel guilty for that. The truth is, I've missed you blog. I'm going to try to update this as much as possible again. Also, i'm going to try to stop watching as much T.V. and read more.. I feel myself getting stupider by the day. And although I may not be "smart" I wish to preserve whatever I have now. I'm going to go read some foucault. I'll write about it soon.
I'm sorry.
-Shikhar.
You say it is you whos job it is to nurture me, to help me grow, but how can I grow without space? You, you want me to grow to be someone intelligent, someone strong, someone whos hands rest on the levies of power. I recognise this, But how is it that I'm expected to grow when your shaddow, are pinning me to the earth witch you have cherrished. How, how can you expect me to grow when the spit of your tongue is the same spit which is drowning me, in a pool stained with the dried blood of your past.
You say you want whats best for me, that in order for me to grow I must adhere to your standards for personal betterment, but fail recognise the growth which has occurred so blatantly in front of your eyes in the past 15 years. Why? Because you don't know me. You have ignored me, and seperated me from who I am when I speak to you through fear. I am afriad of you, because I cannot talk to you without angering you. I will not say you have given up on me, for that is simply untrue - but, you have, you have created a wall so thick with fear, it has become embedded in this "relationship" I have with you. So thick, that in attempting to take a single bloody brick out of this wall, I will have destroyed us.
I am fluid, and each drop of education that I add in this life makes me larger, makes me grow. I have become too large for your container, and it is begining to overflow. I can now see your values, your actions from the outside, and though I am not attempting to disrespect or devalue you, that is exactly waht you have done to me. Age may add to the shape of ones values, but I am not your reflection.
Now, here I am writing about you, pouring my heart into a container, a table on a website for the world to see... but you will never stumble upon this, because you are out somewhere driving, away from me with the idea that I simply don't care, but you are mistaken in this assertian. For if I simply didn't care I wouldn't spend this waking life thinking, writing, about my experiences. Thinking, writing, about you.
Although I may never try again to remove that brick - understand that I will not appologize for doing so. Don't expect that I will.
V A L U E S are something you must R E S P E C T
-Shikhar
So we meet again blog...
This time, just me and you (and reader ofcourse) =) - Do you know why i love you blog?
because you help me keep track of my emotions, you are the one who allows me to unclutter my thoughts... well sorta.
Let us start todays post with an explanation of the contents of this one, and an implication as to the origin of the first post. This weekend was Katy- Taylor TFA The first post-camp tournament I have ever gone to. Results were overall quite sucessful, for the first tournament guys, we pwned.
For all of those who are curious- Concider the following
Results
LD
Ha Nguyen - 3rd place
Congress
Nick BROWN (hehe) - Top 12 Congress
Extemp
Ha Nguyen - 2nd place
Shamez Hemani - Finalist
CCX
Hemani/Raj - 2nd Place
Pena/Nanjee - 3rd Place
Singh/Virani - 3rd Place (WEWT!!!)
Impomp Tu
Ha Nguyen - 1st place.
Overall
3rd place Sweepstakes (w/ 9 People!)
As you can see this tournament was quite successful for HHS, and specificaly me. If there is one thing i've learned from it is that I need confidence in my arguments, from the begining.
Doubt one cares, but read on for a collection of pointless events
*Yawn* The learnings of this contest SHALL be updated in the future, preferably tomorrow night, but we shall see.
**Updates**
YES! this is what you avid readers have been looking forward to. I have singlehandedly detracted from the coutdown to the elections in 2008, as readers from all around the world tune in to listen to ME and MY story.
So - this whole semi-finals buesness. I'm not so sure how i made it this far, but it happened guys, i'm not full of myself, I'm happy sure- I think i'm amazed actualy. Well elkins is in 2 days, we'll see how we do there.
Chacko
While it may not be that awesome, hope some of you get something out of reading this post
Lessons and Anticdotes
in response to my debate record... honestly kids, i didn't expect to get as far as i did, after day one i was practically in tears I'm not so sure how i made it this far, but it happened guys, i'm not full of myself, I'm happy sure- I think i'm amazed actualy. Well elkins is in 2 days, we'll see how we do there.
Chacko can't cary a tub... or can he? thats right kids, chacko cleaned up the extemp room and caried the tub back ALL BY HIMSELF! - dosn't mack have an amazing CX partner?
MY FLOWS! - This ones, for you babe - we'ze still friends - just stay the FUCK away from my flows! *GASP*
North Korea Peace Corps = IMPERIALISM - quarters came down to this and solvancy, Lets just get this strait BHS - Peace Corps = = Imperalism as it is... Sending them to fucking north korea to SHOW them how to farm? thats effn' imperialism. Oops, did I just de-clasify the AMAZING bellaire affirmative? *laugh*
Trophy's are Sweet - So, as some of you may have heard, I got my first trophy ever at taylor hs. Yeah, as crazy as you kids are for thinking i'm good... i'm not - I didn't ever do that great in novice events - got a few ribbons last year for FX / PX - nothn' special.
Magic Sophomore - I <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Last but not least.... neg = fun.
I'm out.
Cry Shikhar Cry,
Cry for the Indigent Citizen; unable to understand the politics of the nation in witch he resides
Cry for all that was lost;
Cry for Education - for it weeps too, shedding tears of failure
Cry for all those whom will never understand
Cry more for all those whom think they understand
Shed countless tears for each one, but at the end...
Remember - You Mean Nothing.
What you say, What you do, How you act- Means Absolutely Nothing to Anyone Else.
Dear World, Insignificant i stand.